With or For?

 I received a call a couple of years after I moved home from my first partner whom I hadn’t seen or had any kind of communication with for years.  It shocked me and caught me off guard,  I cut the call short and explained that I no longer was a part of that life anymore… and hung up, rejection at its finest.  A while later I was told that he had moved to California and had contracted HIV and died.

It haunts me to this day.

Was he calling to say good bye? Reaching out?  Could I have made the slightest difference if I had been a little more mature and shared what had been going on in my life?  I don’t think I felt comfortable in my new skin yet.  I learned a lot from that short two minute call, about listening and being patient.  It reminds me of what God may have meant when I asked Him one night what I was suppose to be doing and I received one clear word…OTHERS.  I’ve learned that it’s so easy to let emotions rule a situation and not God through you.  I’ve also learned that the closer I get to God the more natural it is for His love to be seen through me. It’s one of the catalysts that brought me to this very place and wanting to share what God is doing in my life.  That His love never gives up,  even when we make the wrong choices, screw up, forget and even avoid a situation. 

I recently had a coworker that I’ve become pretty good friends with.  He’s a good guy, in fact, I call him my hero because he moved back home from living in a very large cosmopolitan city with a great job to take care of his son.  He shared with me earlier on in his life one of his brothers had asked him why he chose gay life.  He became quite agitated even when talking to me about it.  His reaction was just like everyone else’s, what choice?  I’ve got to admit I don’t think I had any choice in the matter either. I 

felt that I had to accept what I was dealt and make the best of it.  

But what I’ve learned and continue to learn is that “we” do have the ability to affect the future with the choices we make. 

I can recall when I was younger, when someone challenged me about my “choice” in life, I may not have been publicly vocal, and that’s only because I’m  zippo in the confrontational arena… I’d reply under my breath, and very loud in my head, “can you change your sexual preference… can you?” 

What I’ve come to understand is there’s a much bigger question we need to ask, and it isn’t “WHY” but “WHAT”! 

 What is it that we want from our lives?  It may not be anything more than finding happiness, for some it may be a family, a great career or a partner and to live happily ever after.   In my case, as strange as it may sound  I just wanted to be loved.  I was loved and saw love my entire life growing up and I didn’t want it to be just a memory but to encompass my entire life.  I looked for it just like most people do, in someone else.  Unfortunately, the love I found fell far short of the quintessential perfect love I wanted.   Like I’ve mentioned previously several times, I wasn’t happy with what I was dealt and I let God know it.  And as a good Father would do, He showed me through His relentless love and patience  that I did have a choice. One of unexplainable love and joy, a choice only I could make. No one could make it for me not even Him.  It was up to me.

#My choice was as simple as living with someone or for someone.