Just Kept it to Myself

 As I look back, I truly believe that that afternoon in the student parking lot at school shaped my life and set into effect a series of events that I really never noticed until recently.  I sat in my car and went to the  first person I knew, no the only person I knew that could help me.  God.  I just started to talk.  I opened my heart up to Him and didn’t hold anything back.  That afternoon, I found myself asking for help while I tried to figure out what I was suppose to do, trying to make some kind of sense of it all.  Which is kind of ironic because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what being gay was about.  Oh sure I knew what it was but not how things played out…. nothing at all!!!  As I sat there talking with God, I realized that deep down I did have feelings that I couldn’t explain and that set me apart from my buddies.

I didn’t understand  where the feelings came from or when they started, they were just there and  I couldn’t figure a way to turn them off, so I asked God to help me, promising that I would be a good person and do the best I could with what I was dealt.  I didn’t know what else to say, like I said before, this was totally foreign to me. 

So why do I believe that that conversation is so meaningful? Why do I believe that it shaped my future?  3 reasons.  # I ran to Him! I didn't go to my friends or family for help. I went to the only one that could and would help me.  # I asked for help!  No I didn’t list things I needed or wanted Him to explain or change, I really didn’t know what that would look like if I needed to list them anyway.  I just asked for help!  # I opened my heart up!  I was honest, I was so confused and scared, I asked for His guidance. 

As I look back now, I can see His influence in my life from that moment on to now.   I talked His ear off that afternoon  and not once did I ever think to expect something from that time with Him.  Here’s the thing, He isn’t a God of wishes and what ifs.  He hears our prayers and if they’re in line with His will, know that you're heard and things will be affected by your time with Him. He’s real!!!

I went on with my life trying to be the best person I could be just like I promised Him in the parking lot that day.   

And yes, I had feelings and desires that I didn’t really understand.  I just kept them to myself.  You need to understand that I wasn’t very mature for my age, I was definitely what they call a late bloomer in almost every aspect of my life.  But I understood the basic principles of God’s love for me.  He gave up a part of Himself for me, us.  His Son died so we can live. With Him forever. As time went on,  I found myself changing, my desires becoming more prominent, even my friends began to change.  My time at school was unbelievable.  I learned so much and it’s still so much a part of my life today.  “Thanks dad!!”  I loved every minute of it and did quite well.  I slowly evolved into that typical art student…yep, the long hair, and I think I lived in the same clothes most of the time.  The hair thing really got to my dad… and I remember very heated “conversations” all ending with one of us storming out of the room…. but it was a phase that didn’t last long….

After graduating from the institute I went into my major, advertising and worked for a prominent national ad agency.  I hated it!!  It was way too corporate for me.  Suits and meetings and very political.  So, I found the next best thing… I thought.  I went into studio work.  These are the guys that did the finished art for the agencies.  I loved the work but the deadlines were so tight and unrealistic that the other artists were popping pills to get through the night and then through the day and then the night again… STOP!  I quit that madness in a few months. Talk about a downward spiral.  I went back to the job I had during the summers when I was going to school until I could find another job in advertising, and that’s where I met the first of my two partners.