Cross Country

 Yep, I gave into my feelings, they felt normal, I didn’t feel I had any control over my desires,  It didn’t feel like an addiction, or a personal decision, it was just there.   He was a buyer for the company we both worked for.  There was a point that he left the company and moved to the southwest.  I eventually followed.  It was a hard decision to make cause it meant that I’d be leaving my family and especially my sisters. I remember before I left, my youngest sister and I sat in the family car in the driveway and planned out our lives.  I don’t know if she remembers it the way I do but what I recall was, we  agreed that I would leave for a while and have a career and she would take care of things at home,  then I’d return and she could focus on her life and family.  As I look back, that’s exactly how it happened!  I moved to the heart of the Bible Belt. GO FIGURE!   I can remember a church or two on every corner.  I found myself avoiding anything and everything that had to do with God because I knew deep down I had fallen  short of my promises I made to him in the parking lot at art school that day.  I lived a very openly gay life,  while always trying to be a good person like I promised God I’d be.  I knew it wasn’t enough.  All this time, my father continued to send me handwritten letters keeping me updated on the family and always ending  with the words “I love you, Dad”.  I know to this day he kept me in his prayers.  Those letters were my comfort and my assurance that I could always go home.

I never “came out” to my family, I wasn’t completely comfortable with my life,  I avoided talking to them about it in any way shape or form.  I understand that  “coming out’  is a healing process for the individual sharing their “choice”.   But very rarely have I heard that when it involves the parents, that the out come is completely without pain.  I’m probably the only person in the universe that thinks that it’s a selfish move.  I loved my parents too much to even entertain the thought of ever coming out to them.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hide what I was doing… just never talked about it. Before I moved across the country, I went and visited for a week to checkout the place I potentially was going  to call my home.  I started to apply for work in various places.   

That week nothing paned out so I returned home.  Several days after getting home I received a call from the director of stores in the same company my partner worked.  He offered me an hourly position in their flagship store with the understanding  that he couldn’t pay for relocation because it was just any hourly position.  I accepted.  Eventually the company I worked for was bought out by a major retailer based in the north.  They sold the southern stores which included the company I work for.  Now as I look back and follow my career and life I can see God’s hand on me even then when I was so not living for him.