WHY? WHY ME?

 Quite late one night several years into my relationship I was very innocently watching the tele by myself.  I usually channel surfed to avoid all the TV evangelists on the air.  This time for some reason I stopped on a channel with a very prominent local preacher…. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!!!!!  It was as though he was talking directly to me. It was intimate and personal!  I felt like I was being picked up and thrown against the wall…again.   To be honest I can’t remember what exactly  was said but it effected me so much I got up and left the house and paraded up and down the middle of a very large street yelling at God!!   Asking why of all the people in creation I had to be picked to be gay?  WHY?  WHY ME??  I should have a wife and kids by now, but look at me!!  I knew I wasn’t living the way God wanted me to and I didn’t have the slightest idea of how to stop it or if it even could be stopped!  I was so angry and  afraid and yet I wanted to be right with Him.  A Bible verse came back to me from my time in Children’s Church “…well done good and faithful servant”. I knew that if I continued on the path I was currently on I would never hear those words from Him… EVER!!!  So that night I promised God I would change.  I didn’t have the slightest idea how it was going to  happen or if it even could, but that night I promised Him that if necessary I’d become a recluse and lock myself away…. I was grasping at straws I know but I meant every word!  And once again, I didn’t expect a reply.  I went home and fell asleep in the sun room.

Now  I didn’t really change my lifestyle any after my yelling at God in the middle of the street but I remember my partner telling me that he noticed some kind of a change in me… I wasn’t happy any more.  I wanted change in my life…I needed change but nothing seemed to be happening…. but now looking back it couldn’t have been more obvious!!  My career escalated extremely fast and I went from an hourly associate to manager, from manager to assistant director and finally director of the department I worked in, reporting directly to the CEO.  It was while I was director our stores were sold and out of 3200 executives, only 14 would be taken to the establish the new national headquarters in the north.  So I interviewed along with the other 3199 execs… the process was intimidating and long… 

Weeks later my CEO came to my office and shared that he didn’t get a position in the new company… but I did!  Yep I was one of the 14. Go figure!!!